Having authority, not authoritarianism, is basic to our son's education. We must set boundaries and clear objectives, differentiating what is right and what is wrong, but one of the most common mistakes parents is exceeded tolerance. And then the trouble begins. We must strike a balance, how to get it to have authority?
In one of the first talks I gave to a group of parents of a kindergarten, a mother raised her hand and asked me
- What if my child is over the table and not want to lose?
- Tell him down - I said.
- I say it, but I ignored and not low, "said the mother with the voice of defeat.
- How old is the child? - I asked.
- Three years - she said.
Situations like this occur frequently when I have occasion to communicate with a group of parents. Generally often the mother who puts the issue on the table even if the two. The father simply nods, along with a complicit silence, or nodding, because the problem belongs to both, obviously.
past few months so that a couple of adults, successful in the professional and social capital have squandered the authority they had when the child was born?
paternal and maternal actions, sometimes full of good will, undermine the authority and make children and teens first after not having a balanced and happy with the resulting anxiety for parents. The parent who first recognized not know what to do with the disruptive behavior of small and then feels he has lost his teenage son can not enjoy a good quality of life, it goes very well economically , work and socially, because it has failed in the "business" more important: the education of their children.
What are common mistakes that parents make when we interact with our children?
Before you read any further, I warn you, possibly, you, like everyone, I too, have ever committed each of the errors that are noted below. Do not worry about it. It is a disaster. It is normal for anyone trying to educate EVERY DAY. Has its positive side. Means that attempts to educate, which is a lot. In education, leaving their mark on the child is not what is done once, but what is done continuously. The important thing is that after a period of reflection, parents consider in each case, the actions that may be more negative for the education of their children, and try to remedy them.
These are the main errors that, more often, weaken and diminish the authority of parents:
Permissiveness. It is impossible to educate without intervening. The child, when born, are not aware of what is good or what is bad. Do not know if it can be scratched on the walls or not. Adults are the ones who we say what is right or wrong. Letting stand on the couch because it is small, for fear of thwarting or convenience is the beginning of a bad education. A child makes "crimes" and his father corrects him, thinks it's because his father or deemed not valued. Children need to grow and limits concerning safe and happy.
Ceder after say no. Once you have decided to act, the first rule of thumb to observe is the no. He is not negotiable. You can never negotiate not, and forgive you insist, but the error is more common and most damaging to children. When you go to say no to your child, think again, because there is no going back. If you have told your child that you will not see on television today, because yesterday I spent more time than it should and did their homework, your child can watch TV while on your knees and ask you please, looking pleadingly, full penalty, another chance. Children are so trained in this parody that could teach much to the stars of film and theater.
Instead, yes, yes you can negotiate. If you think your child can watch television that evening, a business that program and how much time.
authoritarianism. It is the other end of the stick that permissiveness. Is trying to make the child do everything that the father want to cancel your personality. Authoritarianism only seeks obedience for obedience. His goal is not a balanced person and capable of self-control, but to make a submissive, slave without initiative, which makes everything he says the adult. It is as bad for education and permissiveness.
Inconsistency. We have said that children must have references and stable boundaries. The reactions of the parent must be provided within the same line with the same facts. Our mood has to have a minimal effect on the prominence given to the facts. If today is bad scratch on the wall, tomorrow, too.
Equally vital is the consistency between the father and mother. If the father tells his son to be eating with silverware, the mother has to support, and vice versa. Must not fall into the trap of "Let him eat as you like, the important thing is to eat."
Shouting. Losing your temper . Sometimes it's hard not to lose. In fact every teacher sincere appreciation once having lost them to a greater or lesser extent. Losing your temper is an abuse of the force that leads to humiliation and degradation of self-esteem for the child. Moreover, all are used to it. The child also cries every time the less case: Dog barking, bite. In the end, for the child to make a case would be screaming so much that any human throat is designed to deliver the scream power necessary for the child to react. Shouting
carries great inherent danger. When the cries do not work, the wrath of the adult can easily pass to the insult, humiliation and even physical and mental abuse, which is very serious. We should never reach this point. If parents feel overwhelmed, they should ask support tutors, psychologists, schools for parents ...
not keep promises or threats . The child soon learns that the most promising or threatening a parent less does what it says. Every unfulfilled promise or threat is a girón of authority that is on the road. The promises and threats must be realistic, that is easy to apply. A day without TV or without leave, it is possible. A month is impossible.
not negotiate. Never negotiating involves rigidity and inflexibility. Supposed authoritarianism and abuse of power, and hence confinement. A ideal way for teens to break the relations between parents and children.
not listen. Dodson says in his book The Art of Parenting, a good mother, now we can also say the father is listening to his son while talking on the phone. Many parents complain that their children do not listen. And the problem is that they have not ever heard their children. They have been tried, tested and have been told what they should do, but listen ... ever.
Require immediate success. Often, parents have little patience with their children. Would they be the best ... Now. With the children forget that no one is born learned. And everything requires a learning period with the corresponding errors. This I support the others can not stand it when it comes to their children, in which only see the negative things and, of course, "for a child to learn" is the repeated again and again.
However, once we know what we have to avoid, some tips and tricks can ease this problem simple , provide balanced development for children and provide peace to the people and the home. These tips only require one hand, the belief-very important-that are effective and, secondly, they are implemented consistently and coherently.
Some of these techniques have been discussed in speaking of bugs, and no longer dwell on them. I will just mention very briefly, concrete and positive actions that help to have prestige and authority positively to the children:
- Having clear objectives of what we intend when we educate. This is the first condition without which we can take many shots in the dark. These objectives should be few, made and shared by the couple, so they both feel committed to pursuing. Require time for comment, even, sometimes, paper and pencil to be specified and not forget them. They should also be reviewed if we suspect that we have forgotten or have already become outdated by the child's age or family circumstances.
- clearly teach specific things . The child that is not "be good", "behave yourself" or "Good Eats." These general instructions were not told anything. What he did is give it fondly specific instructions on how you take the knife and fork, for example.
- Dar learning time . Once we have given specific instructions and clear, the first times I put them into practice, needs attention and support through verbal and physical assistance, if necessary. There are new things to it and takes time and guided practice.
- always evaluate their efforts and their efforts to improve , highlighting what is right and ignoring what he does wrong. Consider what ails you is not hassling, but because it is in the process of learning. The child and adult, loves to succeed and be recognized.
- Dar moral example for strength and prestige . Without consistency between words and deeds, never get anything for their children. Before the contrary, they confuse and disappoint them. A parent can not ask your child to bed if he ever makes.
- Trust our son. Trust is one of the keywords. The authority is positive that the child has confidence in parents. It is very unlikely to happen if the parent does not give an example of trust in the child.
- act and escape the speeches. Once the child has to be clear on their performance, it is counterproductive to invest time in speeches to persuade. The sermons have a cash value equal to 0. Once the child knows what has to do, and it does not, act accordingly and increase its authority.
- Recognize own mistakes. Nobody is perfect, the parents either. The recognition of an error by the security and peace gives parents the child and encouraged to make decisions even if they can make mistakes, because mistakes are not failures, but tell us what mistakes to avoid. The errors shown when no spirit to overcome in the family.
All these recommendations can be very valid to have positive authority or totally ineffective or even negative. Everything depends on two factors, if important in any human activity, in relation to children are absolutely essential: love and common sense.
Education is considering, said Alexander Galí. Love makes the techniques do not make the relationship into something cold, rigid and inflexible and, therefore, superficial and without long-term value. Love means taking decisions that are sometimes painful in the short term, for parents and their children, but then are valued so that they leave a good taste in the mouth and inner well-being of children and parents.
Education is considering, said Alexander Galí. Love makes the techniques do not make the relationship into something cold, rigid and inflexible and, therefore, superficial and without long-term value. Love means taking decisions that are sometimes painful in the short term, for parents and their children, but then are valued so that they leave a good taste in the mouth and inner well-being of children and parents.
Common sense is what makes the proper technique is applied at the right time and with the proper intensity, depending on the child, the adult and the specific situation. Common sense says we should not kill flies with cannons or slingshots lions. An adult should be common sense to know if you have a fly front or a lion. If you ever have doubts, seek help to clear thinking before acting.
Pablo Pascual Sorribas
Master degree in history and speech therapist.
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